Crushed Blossoms

(Skip this blog post if you don't want to read about someone sad about how things have turned out and beating herself up for her flaws. I won't mind if you do.)

Yesterday may well go down as one of the worst days of my knitting life. For so many reasons, but primarily for this. I was at the LYS, and after chatting, having some banana bread and such, I reached into my knitting bag to pick up the Rosebud Shawl. I was pretty happy to have finished the center panel of rosebuds and got a start on the borders, with correctly placed markers to get the corners right. Then, I saw what you see below.

I don't know what did this. I have a couple of guesses--one marker was not a smooth, wonderful Entrelac marker, but was one with a dangle on it. The yarn had gotten caught in that, but when I removed the one strand in there, it seemed to be fine. This hole has at least three strands of broken yarn in it, more like something cut it. No clue what could have done it. One idea put forward was moths, but if that were the case, I would have seen it sooner--there was no hole the day before.

I was surprised and dismayed at how sad it made me to see that irreparable hole in the shawl. It flashed through my mind how many mistakes I had fixed in it, how hard it had been to unravel those rows and get the lace back on the needles, how carefully I'd had to re-attach the two dropped stitches that I had found. Through all those trials, I still was able to use my skills to keep the project going. But, there is nothing I can do to fix the hole, which was in the FIRST repeat of the lace pattern.

Worse is that I reacted really poorly when it was suggested that it was just knitting, nothing really important. My gut reaction was that, yes, it WAS something important to me. I now realize that I was so upset because knitting was pretty much the ONLY part of my life where I felt like I had a bit of a handle on things--that I was competent enough to control and have some mastery over.

As you may know, I have had to deal with a series of employment situations where no matter how good I worked, I had to leave and find something else. I'd really not expected the most recent one--no matter how well I have been doing or how much my coworkers like me, circumstances beyond my control reach out and bop me on the head. This has now happened 4 times since 2006. It's been the same with relationships--I'd trusted that my ex would take care of our family so that I could take the risk of being an at-home parent, and tried so hard to be a good wife and mother, even taking up my husband's hobbies and losing a bunch of weight. But still, I could not be someone else, and I was left to try to figure out another future. I had tried really hard to set up a safe environment in the job I had for over a decade, but again, I could not control things and protect myself and others, leaving me to try to figure out a new career in mid life.

These are the kind of thoughts that have been going on in my mind the past few months. That I am sort of adrift with no plan and no security and nothing I can do to help it. I am so glad I at least have my husband, who has employment and still does care about me--but I worry something could happen to him. Great. None of this has a thing to do with knitting, but when I lost control of that, all the sadness about all the other things welled up inside me. I really got upset, handled the huge rush of sadness very poorly, and now I figure I'll never be welcome at the yarn shop again.

I hadn't cried in months other than a bit when my son went off to college. I'd been trying very hard to remain optimistic and up-beat when I could, and neutral otherwise. Some folks can be sarcastic, snarky and pick at people for their flaws and others just chalk it up to "that's the way she/he is." I know that has never worked with me--any time I have let negative stuff slip out of me, I have paid for it and paid for it hard. This is no exception. I got all my pent-up stuff out of me yesterday!

I need to surround myself with people who can listen and understand that once in a great while I might get upset, who can accept apologies that are sincere, and who can try to understand when something really is important to me. So, I'll be moving on. I really AM sorry I over-reacted and upset people. No one wants to publicly embarrass themselves and upset others, or to lose any chance of friendship with people they like a lot. For me, it just confirms my already not-so-hot self image, to top it all off. But, it's not about me, really. I just don't want to make other people feel bad, so I am not happy with myself at all.

The reason I am sharing this stuff is that I want to once again apologize for not living up to my own standards, and to ask any local folks who read this and want to stay in touch to please be my Facebook or Ravelry friend and remain in contact. I'd love to do stuff with any of you who want to remain my friend!

And now, back to knitting, which helps keep me centered, and will always be my friend, even though unforeseen circumstances can cause knitting heartache!

Move on Breathe, and Regroup

Because of not being able to work on the project I'd thought I'd spend the weekend on, I did manage to finish one repeat of the Flaming Desire socks. This is a GREAT pattern, as far as I am concerned. It is hard enough to keep my interest, but easy enough to not need a huge amount of concentration. I think it will look more like flames once I have completed the second repeat. I still like the Pagewood Farm Chugiak yarn and will enjoy knitting up the other skeins I have. I am not a fanatic about it, but I like the stitch definition and the variety of semi-solid colorways.


After that rather overwhelmingly unpleasant experience with trying to re-start a hibernating project, I decided that I would not get back to work on the Maelstrom shawl, but instead start something comforting and more easy. You may remember that a few months ago I bought some naturally gray two-ply laceweight yarn from American Shetland sheep. I had thought of making a Faroese-style shawl from it, so I looked through my resources and picked the Litla Dimun (Ravelry link) shawl from the Folk Shawls book by Cheryl Oberle. This shawl starts out from the long edge and grows smaller. Thus, what you see is a bit of the long edge. So far, it is just garter stitch and some decreases. After 12 ridges, a lovely lace border begins. It feels good to work with the yarn, which is called Natural Shetland Rustic Lace. It is indeed rustic, crunchy, even. This is, of course, what you expect from Shetland yarn.


Depending on how big this shawl turns out to be, I might just add a border to the edge. It is a bit small when made to gauge, which I think is what I am doing. With size 4 needles I am getting about 4 stitches per inch.

I may not post much for a while--I am feeling pretty vulnerable, sad, and like maybe I am not really a part of the knitting community. I will continue to read other people's blogs and such. I enjoy hearing how others are doing too much to not read! Thankfully, my work does start again tomorrow, so that huge amount of stress and worry will lift.

Happy knitting and remember the Golden Rule.

Rosebud Re-Blossoms

I know, the suspense was killing you, except for maybe Susan, who I told yesterday at the yarn shop. Anyway, the project I am resurrecting is the Rosebud Shawl from Heirloom Knitting. I apparently started this project in June 2007. I took the photo below in October, so I think I was going slowly even back then:



The photo shows the center panel of the shawl and the yarn I am using, which is Makalu Yarns Fine Wool Cashmere, a very close cousin of the Jade Sapphire wool/cashmere laceweight yarn. It is soft and thin. And bouncy. Really feels good, and looks like it will stretch out a LOT when blocked. This is definitely one of those lace projects that will look pretty yucky until it is blocked!

So, why has this project been sitting in a bag since October 2007? Why do good projects go dormant? For me there is usually a good reason, and for this project there were multiples. First, I got engaged and all excited about knitting a shawl for my upcoming wedding. That makes sense. Second, I was using one of the original Addi Turbo Lace needles to do the project. It was a bit too sticky for the yarn and everything kept bunching up. But worse, the brass needle smelled AWFUL. Whenever I worked on the project, I kept smelling this bad metallic smell, and after I worked on it, my hands continued to smell funky even after I washed them. And third, the yarn is so squishy that I had issues doing some of the stitches, including, oddly enough, K2tog.

So, I decided to make a few changes when I re-started, and that included immediately switching to my KnitPicks Illusion needles for the knitting. That has taken care of the smell and the flow of the knitting. And I figured out that if I tug on the stitches, the K2togs go more smoothly. So, that's better, at least.

But wow, it can be a pain in the brain to re-start an old project. I had quite a few frustrations getting re-acquainted with the pattern. First, I started knitting away, only to realize that I was knitting 4 border stitches that weren't really there. I was knitting squares that were just part of the border of the illustration, but not in the pattern. That made me have to rip out 4 rows that included slip 1, K2tog, PSSO. Those are a real bear to undo. Then the yarn itself got tangled, due to the outer end crawling in and twining up with the inner part of the skein. The way this yarn sticks to itself, well, it got all sticky, so I spent a bit of time straightening all THAT out. Sigh.

Yesterday, due to not having any WORK to do, I was at the yarn shop "helping" the owner deal with a virus (it's in quotes because I did not actually fix it)and knitting away with the correct pattern and my happy new needles, when I stretched it out to look at how nice it will be blocked. There, many rows down was a free stitch, waving at me. This happens to me nearly every time I un-do rows of lace with double decreases--I tend to miss one putting them back on. And I don't notice, because my stitch counts are right. I quickly did some weaving and fixing and it looked OK. Then, oh no! I saw ANOTHER one! So, there is an area of the shawl with some extra yarn in it. I tried to duplicate stitch to make sure plenty of yarn is in there holding those stitches where they should be. At least the stickiness of the yarn will help in this case--once I block it, I am betting it will glue together forever and not come loose again. Of course, I spent quite a bit of time checking for additional little darlings sticking up, all unattached. I remember the same thing happened on the Aeolian after I had to take out a bunch of rows. Grr.

I must remember to check carefully after I do the last row to be sure everything is where it should be! Un-knitting in laceweight is not my best skill, apparently. So, I am trying very hard to not mess up any more. I have just 3 more repeats and the center square will be finished. I look forward to the next section, which is a gorgeous lace border. I do love these Shetland-style patterns!

Well, I will now wander off into the cold and see what's up at the yarn shop. I have applied for all the jobs I can find, and if someone needs me, they can call!

Rialto, Rialto, how I love you

This petulant child is wearing the thing I am working on now, ofwhich I can't stop knitting on the garter stitch portion. This young 'un looks peeved, upset, gaseous or pouty in the entire Debbie Bliss Rialto book. I am told that they make the people look depressed so you'll focus on the knitted item more, but dang, I am tired of looking at little miss pale and wan. (Not that I can say much, judging from the awful photo of me in the Shiny Green sweater.)

So, this is Juliet, which I would have made in the color depicted if we HAD that color, but instead settled on off white for. I will enjoy wearing it at work, fer sure. But mostly I am enjoying that springy, sproingy Rialto yarn! It feels so darned good to touch, hold, fondle...ahh, a knitter talking about yarn!! I don't want the nice, plain garter stitch square to ever end, but it will. I am on the third ball of yarn, and I think I am over halfway through the garter stitch, even with my slow progress. I'll enjoy the top half, too--it is certainly not mentally taxing knitting. But mmm, that nice vanilla-colored square. It's so nice and even, too!

Yes, Rosebud will get worked on more soon. I will eventually need some knitting stimulation, and won't want to work on the top in the car--you have to keep looking at the instructions, whereas I have memorized the Rosebud central pattern now.

Oooh, yesterday I got two more Addi Lace needles, so now I have US sizes 2-5. And, sigh, I bought sock yarn. New Zitron wool/bamboo blend that feels wonderful, in colors that are the kids' school colors (dark green and navy). If the indigo colorway I loved is still there on Saturday, I might get it, too. It has a slight sheen, and the indigo/deep navy just shades slightly. Would make a nice Manly Sock.

Icarius and WIP

Icarius close
Originally uploaded by sunasak

Since I'm on a lace kick, here's a sort-of close-up picture of my "Icarius" shawl, which is really Icarus, which was featured in Interweave Knits in 2006 (looks like I finished this in August '06). It's in KidSilk Haze (oops, Jody points out that it is Zephyr), in light sage green. We had a lot of fun mis-pronouncing Icarus while more than one of us at the LYS were working on this pattern, so I renamed it.

It was a fun shawl to make, even if I did have to start it multiple times (didn't like the gauge on the first needles I used, mis-interpreted instructions, etc.). I always seem to start shawls many times. The only "bad" thing about this one is that it really isn't very warm. So, I use it as a decor item or fashion accessory.

Work in Progress:

Cherry Leaf shawl is blocking. Sure hope that works! The pointy points are all stretching out on Jody's blocking wires and the rest looks much better stretched out. It is still going to be sorta weird, with such a perky colorway on lace, but I like it.

I went back to work on the shiny green sweater from the Rebecca magazine, which I have determined (by reading a label!) is being made from ggh Mystik yarn, half cotton half viscose. Every tiny irregularity in my stockinette sure is showing up. And it's hard to be all perfect with dogs jumping around, family members jiggling the bed, etc. I am glad I am making the body in the round, though, I am tired of purling. Only a couple of rows more and I get to start the sleeves, which I will also try to do in the round, leaving only a few inches of underarm to seam after joining and making the lovely round lace yoke.

Still making the center of the Rosebud Shawl. I do a few rows every day, and after mostly TINKing on Wednesday, made some progress.

She's So Bad...

Well, I said I would concentrate on nothing but the Cherry Leaf shawl. But last night we had to sit through a very long percussion recital (that is a lot of loud banging). And I knew I couldn't sit there with the chart on my lap, flopping the shawl over and over every short little row. So, I broke down. I started the Rosebud Shawl.

I knew that it started with a bunch of long rows of garter stitch. I used my new Addi Turbo lace needle in size 3 (oooh that is nice), and the incredibly red wool/cashmere laceweight yarn that I have many skeins of from one of Jody's yarn co-op purchases. I do believe this will look as nice in red as it does in white. If not, who cares. It's FUN to knit that teeny tiny yarn on the smooth brass needles with the extremely slick joins. I have to be a bit careful to form the stitches right--it's easy to reach in below the next stitch, so I have to look, but it's fun.

I couldn't stop. I knew I "should" work on my border more when I got home, but I just had to see how the lace would look. I had to force myself to put the darned thing down to go to bed. The center pattern of little rosebuds is nice and simple, and I know I will wish I got to do more than 12 repeats of it!

So far, the lace looks great, even unblocked. It's really neat how the whole thing can squish up into a couple of inches, but it stretches out quite wide. Yummy, yummy yarn.

But, I WILL finish the Cherry Leaf shawl, because I want to wear it!